What the FUCK happened?!

Ever watch a movie and then, the instant it's over, find yourself asking, "Just what the fuck was that shit even about?" If you have ever seen Mulholland Drive, and you still say "No, Mr. Garcia, I have never had that happen to me," then that is a fucking lie, and you are a fucking liar.

However, I have procured the actual timeline of events in the film!! And here is exactly what the fuck it is about.

1 - Diane on the set of Adam Kesher's film. While the movie timeline starts with Camilla/Rita's Mulholland Drive sequence, the actual reality timeline starts with Diane's visit to the movie set where Adam is directing a scene with Camilla, her girlfriend (even though it's seen as a flashback). Adam's very hands-on technique of showing Camilla's co-star how to properly perform a screen kiss leads Diane to suspect that the two are having an affair behind her back. Later, when Camilla visits Diane, she tells the other girl "we shouldn't do this anymore." Realizing her suspicions regarding Adam are likely true, she angrily throws Camilla out of her apartment.

2 - Diane at the dinner. The characters there will later be incorporated into the paranoid fantasy of her 'romanticized Hollywood' dream: The director talking about the pool man becomes the director in her dream, also with Diane's idea of the pool man. The fat man watching her as she drinks her coffee becomes the gangster who doesn't like his espresso. Coco, the director's mother, becomes her landlady. The cowboy-hat guy becomes the cowboy-hat Hollywood power figure. The girl who kisses Camilla becomes the "Camilla Rhodes" in the dream part. And of course, Camilla, her ex-lover, becomes the dependent, loving person Diane wants her to be: "Rita".

3 - Diane at Winkie's - After the humiliation at dinner, Diane decides to kill Camilla. At Winkie's, we meet the hitman she hires. He remains the hitman (and becomes a pimp) in her dream, although an amusingly incompetent one. The scary man in the background of this scene becomes the man with scary dreams in the dream-Winkie's scene. Dianes fear (acknowledging the reality of the murder) is projected into her dream as the mans fear, the scary bum's face. We later see the connection, as it is this dream-bum who holds the box. The single stack of dirty money is dreamed as clean, neat multiple stacks. The plain blue key, that opens nothing but represents the murder, becomes futuristic looking, and now represents the 'key' to opening the repressed reality of the murder she is responsible for, hidden in the blue box. The waitress at the diner becomes the prostitute. The waitress's name, Betty, is the name Diane takes in her dream persona.

4 - Diane at home - The first scene of the movie (after the opening dance sequence) is filmed as Diane's head landing on a pillow. We later learn that she already has the blue key, and knows the murder has taken place. At some point after that is the unseen moment when she begins her downward spiral into fantasy, falls asleep, and dreams.

5 - Diane's dream/fantasy - The first 4/5 of the movie- It begins with Camilla/Rita escaping the hit Diane had just, in reality, taken out on her. "From there, Diane, a product of Hollywood, imagines the story in cinematic fashion: She sees herself as the naive wannabe starlet Betty, who succeeds on sheer talent and solves whatever problems are thrown her way. She even gets the girl!...she reimagines her ruined career and failed relationship with the woman she loves." - Salon.com. Her fantasy also punishes the director for getting the girl in the real world; he loses control of the film he's directing, his wife cheats on him with the pool man, and they throw him out of his house.

6 - The box - In the "Silencio" club scene, because of all the "illusion" comments and depictions, such as the singer, Diane realizes she is dreaming and shudders. On the edge of reality/waking, the box appears in her dream as her subconscious could no longer repress her memories of murdering her friend. The box is the symbol of Camilla's death and inside it Dianes guilt, which she kept locked up by her fears (the bum/monster). Once Rita/Camilla unlocks it, the dream-cowboy says "It's time to wake up."

7 - Diane's awakening - As shown on her face when she wakes, Diane is forced to face the fact that it was all a dream, the sadness of her own life, and the guilt brought on by having her ex-girlfriend murdered. Diane's neighbor knocks on her door, which is what actually woke her up, to tell her there have been detectives looking for her, additional confirmation that there has been a murder. From Salon.com- "She starts reflecting on how she came to be in this position, from Camilla's coolness to her flirtations with Adam to the unforgivable humiliations at the party. Diane sees that she's been reduced to an object of pity and contempt by even someone like Coco." In her kitchen, Diane says excitedly "You've come back", to "Camilla" before quickly realizing it was just another hallucination/fantasy. This is when Diane goes into a flashback of: 2 - Diane at dinner, 3 - Diane at Winkie's, leading into:

8 - Diane's breakdown - This hallucination starts with the bum dropping the open blue box (the murder realization), and then comes the crushing guilt, represented by the escaping little old people, whom she is joined by after winning the real-life jitterbug contest, possibly her parents or grandparents. (When we first meet Betty, she is saying good-bye to this couple, in effect, saying good-bye to the guilt that they represent. This is why Betty was so happy in the beginning, when Diane's dream was in full effect, and her guilt was gone and forgotten, being driven away in a limo. Away from Betty's observation, the pair exchange creepy, sinister looks.) As her guilt and reality overwhelm her, in the hallucinatory breakdown of the old couple attacking, she shoots herself in the mouth.

So there you go. Hope I wasted a good five minutes of your time. Oh, and I totally made a new post in my blog! Right here!! Wooooooooooo!!

Hahaha, Garcia. Out.

Our Favorite Orange-Furred Marsupial

Well, my semi-loyal fans, it's been a very, very, very long time since I've posted any new content, and my good pal Zach reminded me that I don't need a comic to post a blog, although it does help a lot. He then called me a moron and proceeded to force upon me Godzilla Raids Again, one of the worst films I've ever seen. I mean, seriously, rockets, bombs, missiles, and powerful artillery cannons aren't doing shit to this big lizard fucker, why the hell would you pull a revolver and hang out in some trees like Lee Harvey fucking Oswald?! It's bullshit!

Anyway, I've decided to tantalize you with the tasty workings of Naughty Dog and Universal. One of the most successful Playstation franchises ever to hit the market, Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back, is the best in the fucking series. Crash 1 was really fucking hard--I'm talking aneurysm hard--and Crash 3 was crammed with all kinds of extra shit that just seemed to be a little too much. Crash 2, however, was just right. Interesting challenges, user-friendly control scheme, and the gameplay is just downright hilarious. You can die in eighty different ways, whether its being turned into a pancake and waddling around with stars in your eyes, or being shot in the stomach by shrapnel and grabbing yourself in Shakespearean dramatacism.

Here's how the game works. You're Crash Bandicoot, a dull-whitted silent oaf of a hero who always manages to save the day. You have a spin attack, a belly flop, a slid kick, and a high jump, all of which can be used to kill a wide variety of enemies, from robotic octopi to sexually-frustrated frilled lizards. You have to find a large pink crystal in every level, and when you have completed five levels, you fight a boss before moving on to the next set of levels. The music is set to each level perfectly, whether its the jungle beats in the jungle level to the surfer guitar in the river levels, during which you must navigate through the river on a rocket-propelled surfboard. Which reminds me of the fantastic vehicles you get during the game, which include aforementioned surfboard, a rocketpack, and a baby polar bear.

The bosses themselves are challenging in their own way, from Ripper Roo, a crazed blue wallaby who bounces around a platform leaving TNT boxes everywhere he lands, to Tiny the Tiger, a gargantuan brute who tries to squash you by jumping on you. Which normally doesn't sound so difficult, but when your standing on one of nine falling platforms suspended high above a pitch-black cavern, it can be a little tricky. The storyline is plenty predictable, but entertaining nonetheless. And the alternate ending you get if you complete 100% of the game is well worth the challenge.

And oh goody, the gems! The gems are a completely different challenge altogether! Throughout every level are crates, which you can jump on, spin, or belly-flop to destroy. Some of them, such as Nitro and TNT boxes, should be approached with caution, or not at all. Jumping on TNT boxes will start a 3 second fuse that ends in their fantastical detonation, while touching a Nitro box period will incinerate you in an entertaining manner. However, should you make it through the level after destroying every box, you will receive a jem. Some boxes can only be destroyed with the aid of other elements in the level, and some are well hidden down secret paths. It's definitely something else, however, to make it through the level and come out with 2 gems and a crystal. My chest just swells with pride, and I get such a grand feeling of accomplishment...right before I remember it's a fucking video game.

Moral of the story? Buy the damn game. It's worth the 10 bucks. Well worth it.

Xbox...It's Not Just a Murder Weapon Anymore

The other day, I happened to comment to a friend of mine that if you loaded a medieval catapault with a first generation XBox--and two controllers--you could make the Arch de Triumph crumble to the ground of Frog City (that's a French people joke). He remarked that it could be put to use in much more constructive ways...such as an anchor for a cruise vessel.

But I kid. Honest. I like the XBox. I mean, come on. They've got Halo...and, uh...Halo 2. Oh, and the 360 is gonna have Halo 3! I mean, come on! Where can they go wrong?

Asexy Time!!

Well, it's been awhile...a very very LONG while, but I'm back to WaOM with a vengeance! Hopefully I'll be able to whip up a few comics, and I'll throw out a bonus one between now and next Wednesday. At any rate, I have to say, I had some fun with this one. I love Fish in the last panel, he's just very simply drawn, but his expression says a lot. Had a little trouble figuring out how I was gonna make this whole thing work, I'd originally wanted it to be a full six-panel spread. But ah well, I think it worked without feeling too rushed. Also, for those of you who aren't into scientific humor and don't get it, salamanders, like frogs, have the uncanny ability to reproduce asexually. They also, for no reason whatsoever, will lose their gills and become landborne critters.

Anyway, nothing much has been going on around the Woburn Estate. We almost got evicted because the people downstairs heard us talking about drugs or something and figured we were all smacked out of our minds. WHICH WE WEREN'T, incidentally. But they told the landlady on us, and we got a warning notice. It's all cleared up now, and we're squared away.

Yep, it's Oscar season, ladies and gents. That means one thing: a lot of famous people are going to be given free million dollar gift baskets that could have gone towards feeding starving children in Africa or curing a disease in Central Asia...or assassinating Kim Jong Il.

Fucking celebrities. Well, I'll see you guys later. Peace out.

Gender Confusion

Well, I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to make a new post. It hasn't been a full week, but I wanted to share some love with all of you guys in the form of a comic regarding salamanders, fish, and tadpoles. Woo-hoo! Can't you just feel the love in the room?

For those of you who have not yet heard of the awesomeness that is Ian McConville and Matt Boyd over at Mac Hall (http://www.machall.com), then I suggest you go over there and chexx0rz out their shit. They stopped making comics back in September, and the entire site has been like a wooly mammoth caught in the ice age, frozen in time exactly the way it was when it died. Their "goodbye" rants are still up there. I love Matt Boyd's final post. "If your the last one out, don't forget to hit the lights and wash out the coffee pot before you go."

Well, until next time, friends. Adios.

Introducing...A Tadpole

Fuck yeaaaaaaaaaah! New character, shitty boundaries, and a grand total of 7 panels?!? Does the madness know no end?! Oh my gosh no! It does not! Woooooo! Anyway, yeah, I know, I'm late on the comic. Again. But who isn't these days, right? I'll try to throw a new one up every Wednesday, so keep in touch! Because next Wednesday, that's right! I'm gonna post a new one! Yay!

Well, not a lot's been going on lately. We had the big employee Christmas party at Chili's on Sunday, which kicked more ass than most people can kick in large groups over the course of a week. There was tons of food, free booze, and everybody got a prize! Including myself, who managed to win 2 Blockbuster gift cards worth ten bucks apiece. Afterwards, most of us went to Al's, where we sang karaoke, made a lot of noise, and drank some more. Yeah.....it was a good night.

But at any rate, it's time to talk about stuff again. Cool stuff. Awesome stuff. Namely, a well-known hit that is currently number 2 at the box office: Smokin' Aces. Now this is an interesting movie, to say the least. It's a fucking badass kick-your-face-in movie, to say a whole lot more. Jeremy Piven plays the title role of Buddy "Aces" Israel, a Las Vegas magician-slash-mobster-wannabe who is preparing to rat out his mobster pals to the FBI. Ryan Reynolds and Ray Liotta play two federal agents who are tracking Buddy, and Andy Garcia is the Deputy Director of the FBI who they answer to.

Meanwhile, Ben Affleck, Peter Berg, and Martin Henderson are a bail bondsman and two ex-cops, respectively, who are going to try and grab Buddy and take him back to the feds, since he skipped town after his bail was posted. However, Alicia Keys and some black chick who's name I don't remember--don't worry, you won't either--are after Buddy themselves, to collect on the one million dollar hit that's been put on his head. But oh my goodness!! There are also five other hitmen who are heading after this poor bastard too! I won't say anymore at this point in time. Just...go see the fuckin' movie. It's awesome. And violent. And bloody. And gory. And just...just fun. Oh! Oh! And it has that Irish guy with the scar!! The one from Braveheart and Gladiator? Yeah, him!

'Til next time. I'm out.

Marijuana....KILLS.

Wow! Another comic already! This is unheard of!! Seriously, I drew like 3 comics in 2 days time. It was awesome. This one was a lot of fun to do, I had a bit of a rough time trying to figure out how to properly execute the idea, i.e. how salamanders and a fish could smoke pot underwater. Didn't take long to realize the potential of salamanders...who can breathe on land, incidentally.

Well, a lot has been going on recently. I've just heard from Doyon Drilling Inc., and they want me to come in tomorrow for an interview. Hopefully, I'll start sleeping on a big pile of money within the next month or so. Which would be sweet. And also tight. On a darker note, my 1 year relationship has just ended. It was one hell of a year though, and I mean that in a good way. We had a lot of good times together, and hopefully we'll still have many more.

Also, does anybody have a dresser that they're getting rid of? Because that would be pretty cool. If, you know, I could have one. Or something. I don't know. Anyways, best of luck to you all today, I hope this comic makes you smile. Especially you.

Until next time, this is me. Out.

A Cockaroach's Tale

Strange and slightly disturbing as it may seem, cockroach pregnancies are oftentimes tragic occurrences. Most cockroach mothers drink and/or smoke during pregnancy, creating malformed or depressed larva that tend to turn to alcohol, marijuana, and off-brands of glue for comfort. This has, of course, created a generation of delinquent cockroaches who spend their time doing drugs, spray-paining graffiti, and making a general nuisance of themselves. At times, a cockroach will OD on PCP and cut off its own head, running around crazy for days before finally dying from lack of name-brand glue.

Fucking tragedy.

These Things Happen...

Well, here we are at last, another Warts comic. Horrific events such as the one depicted do, in fact, actually happen from time to time. The best you can do is grit your teeth, steady yourself, and repeat "he didn't just say that he didn't just say that" over and over until you've regained control of your bodily functions. After that, you'd better shower, in case any of the subject's horrible thoughts of saturated your flesh. Maybe in a couple of years you'll be able to watch Lord of the Rings again without gagging.

Yes, I'm still here, and I'm beginning to like drawing these comics. Which is strange, I know, seeing as I've only posted, like, 5. But it's still lots of fun. For those of you who are interested, Verdakk's forums are quite hoppin' right now, and we're about to go on a kick-ass quest to destory the Scales of Arcturus, and after that, we'll create a new game, 18 years later, in which all of our old characters are sick with some strange disease. All kinds of hardcore shit is gonna hit the fan, including Lantaro being forced to do an evil mission for the evil Order of the Vardin, and Jadex getting killed by the new good guys, the Order of the Phenix Tyl.

Fun times.

But for those of you who feel like shitting a brick out of disgust every time you hear the word "Vardin," do not fret, there is something for you in this blog, as well! All I know is movies and salamanders, and it's time, once again, to talk about movies. Strictly speaking, ones coming out very soon. Those on the top of my to-do list are as follows:

300

Smokin' Aces

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Freedom Writers

Children of Men

Alpha Dog

Primeval

I'm excited about the top 3, mostly. It'll be sweet. Anyway, until next time. Later!

Just how it is.

Well, here's the fourth comic in the series. I know, it's amazing. Quite a grand feat. Whoo! This particular one is just a day in the life of our triplicate of heroes, and includes a cameo by Carlos, a rare character in the series.

He's a cockroach, in case you hadn't noticed.

Here's an update for my five readers, I know it's been awhile. Well, I obviously made it back from the Land of Morm with my soul intact, as well as my mind. It was a good Christmas, I got massive breakfast every morning and a home-cooked meal every night, got to see the whole family, most of the cousins and whatnot, saw a few familiar faces, and got a bunch of kick-ass new gifts.

Just a few of the items are an iPod shuffle, some new corduroys, an awesome Christopher Walken t-shirt, and a whole bundle of much-needed socks. It was a kickass time, and my family really got to meet Ashley and get to her know well, and vice-versa. Oh, and I got some sweet movies.

Well, it's time we had a serious discussion about life, love, and the philsophical nature of the Universe as we know it.

That's right. It's time to talk about a certain flick known as...Every Action Film Ever Made. Here's the deal. Aforementioned Shitsville has been pumping out action flicks since the late forties, from westerns to war films. Now, at the time, there were very few genres, and even fewer films, so the two types fell into the same category: action. And of course, back then, the directing was simple. A camera was record all of the action, but there was very little movement. There would be three or four cameras all taking shots from different points of view, and then they would just splice all the imagery together to make a good film. And that worked!

For awhile, anyway. But as time progressed, action films got more intense, until one day, you've got Robert DeNiro and Val Kilmer running down the street with M-16s, pouring lead into cop cars with the camera angles zipping around left and right until you don't know what the fuck is going on but you sure as hell don't want it to end.

And then The Matrix comes out, and your mind gets fucked in the ass, and odds are that you've come at least twice before the movie is done. What's my point in all of this?

Uh...old movies are were action films came from, I think. I'm not sure, I really kind of got off topic somewhere in there. I don't know.

Happy 2007, ladies and gentlemen. Good to be back.