Our Favorite Orange-Furred Marsupial

Well, my semi-loyal fans, it's been a very, very, very long time since I've posted any new content, and my good pal Zach reminded me that I don't need a comic to post a blog, although it does help a lot. He then called me a moron and proceeded to force upon me Godzilla Raids Again, one of the worst films I've ever seen. I mean, seriously, rockets, bombs, missiles, and powerful artillery cannons aren't doing shit to this big lizard fucker, why the hell would you pull a revolver and hang out in some trees like Lee Harvey fucking Oswald?! It's bullshit!

Anyway, I've decided to tantalize you with the tasty workings of Naughty Dog and Universal. One of the most successful Playstation franchises ever to hit the market, Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back, is the best in the fucking series. Crash 1 was really fucking hard--I'm talking aneurysm hard--and Crash 3 was crammed with all kinds of extra shit that just seemed to be a little too much. Crash 2, however, was just right. Interesting challenges, user-friendly control scheme, and the gameplay is just downright hilarious. You can die in eighty different ways, whether its being turned into a pancake and waddling around with stars in your eyes, or being shot in the stomach by shrapnel and grabbing yourself in Shakespearean dramatacism.

Here's how the game works. You're Crash Bandicoot, a dull-whitted silent oaf of a hero who always manages to save the day. You have a spin attack, a belly flop, a slid kick, and a high jump, all of which can be used to kill a wide variety of enemies, from robotic octopi to sexually-frustrated frilled lizards. You have to find a large pink crystal in every level, and when you have completed five levels, you fight a boss before moving on to the next set of levels. The music is set to each level perfectly, whether its the jungle beats in the jungle level to the surfer guitar in the river levels, during which you must navigate through the river on a rocket-propelled surfboard. Which reminds me of the fantastic vehicles you get during the game, which include aforementioned surfboard, a rocketpack, and a baby polar bear.

The bosses themselves are challenging in their own way, from Ripper Roo, a crazed blue wallaby who bounces around a platform leaving TNT boxes everywhere he lands, to Tiny the Tiger, a gargantuan brute who tries to squash you by jumping on you. Which normally doesn't sound so difficult, but when your standing on one of nine falling platforms suspended high above a pitch-black cavern, it can be a little tricky. The storyline is plenty predictable, but entertaining nonetheless. And the alternate ending you get if you complete 100% of the game is well worth the challenge.

And oh goody, the gems! The gems are a completely different challenge altogether! Throughout every level are crates, which you can jump on, spin, or belly-flop to destroy. Some of them, such as Nitro and TNT boxes, should be approached with caution, or not at all. Jumping on TNT boxes will start a 3 second fuse that ends in their fantastical detonation, while touching a Nitro box period will incinerate you in an entertaining manner. However, should you make it through the level after destroying every box, you will receive a jem. Some boxes can only be destroyed with the aid of other elements in the level, and some are well hidden down secret paths. It's definitely something else, however, to make it through the level and come out with 2 gems and a crystal. My chest just swells with pride, and I get such a grand feeling of accomplishment...right before I remember it's a fucking video game.

Moral of the story? Buy the damn game. It's worth the 10 bucks. Well worth it.