A Long Time in Coming

I can remember the day when I realized that man had finally created something incredibly beautiful...and then raped it with paper sacks. For a long time, the cinema has been a shining example of what the human race is truly capable of. A second example was shown when mankind invented the spawn of Lucifer himself: the Fandango bags.

My roommate Elliott will at times get a faraway look in his eyes, and an insidious grin will spread across his features, and in these moments, I know exactly what he's thinking of. He dreams of endless fields where these bags are burned, filled with poo, drenched in meat and given to ravenous wolves, hooked up to car batteries and fried to death, their screams echoing forever and ever and the world has never been so beautiful.

I know...because I dream the same dream. And I wake up smiling.

Ecksplisit Kontent

So where exactly do the world's most eligible dino-bachelors go to pick up chicks? Why, the local zoo, of course! The gals don't really respond, and even if they did, it'd be impossible to take them out to dinner without incurring the wrath of local security, or even worse, Animal Control. But at least our pair of heroes get to ogle some fellow Archosaurs. Is that disturbing? Kind of incestual, I guess, but the family is so broad it'd be like sleeping with a fourth cousin. By then you're only related by marriage, anyway. Like in that Jet Li movie, Once Upon a Time in China or something. It was wierd. Good movie, though. Good franchise, actually, because they made four more.

Speaking of Jet Li, in an hour and a half, I'm going to see Forbidden Kingdom. Gonna be awesome, I hope. After that, I'm going to not drink this weekend. I'm excited. Are you excited? Fuck you then. Jerk.

Garcia. OUT!!

Just a Little Two-Fer

Here's a pair of quickies for your reading enjoyment! To all of those interested, Brick was a good movie, and Stealth was awesome, too. Also, Zach Miller is gay. And what is this?! Is my body crying?! Am I going to die? Sweat?! What the hell is sweat?!

(everyone should read Penny Arcade)

No Country for Old Kaijū

There's an old legend that Antoine Chigurh and Chuck Norris passed each other once on a dirt road. Ten minutes after passing each other, Chuck Norris turned around and swung a roundhouse kick in Chigurh's general direction. As the deadly shockwave of nuclear proportions sped towards the man with the worst haircut ever given, Chigurh simply turned around and looked at the imposing blast with dead eyes. Eyes that said "you may be an act more than an object, untouchable by man and practically made by God...but I'll still kill you."

At this, the shockwave dissipated. Chuck Norris felt a sinking feeling after seeing the look in Chigurh's eyes from miles away, turned back around, and kept on walking. Chigurh, meanwhile, continued up the road, where he killed an orphan, three cows, a man grieving in a cemetary, and Tobey Maguire's mom.

I'm not entirely certain why Ray looks up to the Lone Ranger so damn much. Hell, Tonto was the brains of the operation, if you ask me. But hey, to each his own, right? Well, it's been an all right week, but I'm lookin' forward to the weekend. See ya'll when I see ya!

Family History

You would think that dinosaurs who have figured out the intracacies of computer software, video games, color television, and the dreaded Half-Windsor would simply go to FamilyTree.com or some other such website, and trace their roots back to the Jurassic era. Or Cretaceous. When the hell did these guys live? Who knows. Yes, I see you raising your hand over there. No, I don't care.

So I saw 21 today. I was impressed. It wasn't the best movie I've ever seen, but it was definitely worth the cash. It's like when you watch Ocean's 13, and you think to yourself, There's no way that this could possibly all work out exactly like that. Only Ocean's 13 was a little better.

Well, this is a short one. It's been a long week, with plenty of surprises, some good, some bad. I'm just tired, both physically and emotionally, and I'm ready for the weekend. Woo. See ya'll later.

On Another Note...

Blizzard announced over at their Starcraft 2 site, www.starcraft2.com, that the newest unit to aid the Terran forces is the Tauren Marine, a strange beast hailing from the obscure planet of Azeroth. According to the website, these beefy new soldiers are now an integral part of the Confederate military, and have managed to horn in on the roles traditionally filled by firebats and other infantry units. Should be a gas.

Also, Happy April 1st.

This Should Happen More Often

It's scary, but people get burned and/or set on fire more often than you'd think. Truly, there is also a difference between the two aforementioned events. For instance, striking a strike-anywhere match across someone's flesh? That's burning them. Tossing said match onto the screaming, gasoline-soaked heap of an annoying pop tart? That's setting them on fire. Makes me smile all over.

But I digress. I've recently seen the film Blood Diamond for the first time, and I have to say, it was quite an experience. It is a tragic film depicting Sierra Leone back in the late 90s, when brutal, murderous revolutionaries were at war with the corrupt, savage government, and the populace of the nation was sandwiched between the two. And, of course, there is a plot, and it's a good one. Leonardo DiCaprio's accent was a little irritating at first, but after awhile, you kind of don't notice it anymore.

Anyway, that's all I've got, I guess. I've got to go work at Chili's tonight, and then my nights are free until next Monday!! Woo!! I'm excited. See ya'll later.