On Another Note...

Blizzard announced over at their Starcraft 2 site, www.starcraft2.com, that the newest unit to aid the Terran forces is the Tauren Marine, a strange beast hailing from the obscure planet of Azeroth. According to the website, these beefy new soldiers are now an integral part of the Confederate military, and have managed to horn in on the roles traditionally filled by firebats and other infantry units. Should be a gas.

Also, Happy April 1st.

This Should Happen More Often

It's scary, but people get burned and/or set on fire more often than you'd think. Truly, there is also a difference between the two aforementioned events. For instance, striking a strike-anywhere match across someone's flesh? That's burning them. Tossing said match onto the screaming, gasoline-soaked heap of an annoying pop tart? That's setting them on fire. Makes me smile all over.

But I digress. I've recently seen the film Blood Diamond for the first time, and I have to say, it was quite an experience. It is a tragic film depicting Sierra Leone back in the late 90s, when brutal, murderous revolutionaries were at war with the corrupt, savage government, and the populace of the nation was sandwiched between the two. And, of course, there is a plot, and it's a good one. Leonardo DiCaprio's accent was a little irritating at first, but after awhile, you kind of don't notice it anymore.

Anyway, that's all I've got, I guess. I've got to go work at Chili's tonight, and then my nights are free until next Monday!! Woo!! I'm excited. See ya'll later.

The Perils of Archosauria

Legend has it that God snapped his fingers and created everything. Then He invented the act of just chillin'. And you know what? I believe legend. Know why? Because He's God. However, I do have a serious question. I'm beginning to think that the whole "creating certain stuff every day of the week" idea might be a little metaphorical. Because where...the hell...did all the damn dinosaurs go!?!?

Personally, I believe they went into hiding.

Picture this. A pair of Tyraptosaurus Rexes, hanging out in the Creataceous period with the worst weed the future California has to offer, accidentally stumble upon a 10,000 year supply of Funyuns, as well as an XBox, an N64, and a 70" Sony Plasmascreen with a lifetime warranty. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, times were difficult millions of years ago.

The only reason our two heroes Ray and Otis (who now sports a tie, so you can tell the difference) have come back into the big, bright, technologically-advanced, mentally-challenged, morally-skewed world is in pursuit of more Funyuns. And pizza. Dinosaurs are straight fiends for pizza.

But at any rate, time to torture you with my opinions on stuff and junk. I watched my good buddy Zach Miller play Patapon on the PSP for half an hour today, and I gotta tell ya, I could've watched it for at least another, like...day or so. If I had Funyuns. You know, I knew a guy once who was terrified of Funyuns as a child. Seriously. I cannot make this type of thing up. He's a good guy, too, works in the restaurant business, lives with a sociopath who burns people, and once did a knife hit off of my stove at the old Woburn Estate. Swell guy.

Also, I played House of the Dead 2 today on the Wii. And if I'd beat myself over the head repeatedly with a hammer, it wouldn't have been much different. HOW ABOUT SOME EXTRA CONTINUES, YOU JAPANESE FUCKERS?!? Yeah. Irritating. Well, 'til next time. Garcia. OUT!

Happy Easter!!

Happy Easter ladies and gentlemen! It is on this day that we celebrate the resurrection of Teh_Lamb, who pretty much pwned sin at the cross. And Satan cried. Like a vadge.

Anyway, here's a new comic for your enjoyment! It made me smile. And then it made me wish I had a scanner so I didn't have to take a picture of the comic with a digital camera and then upload it onto my computadore. I've really been enjoying making these simple Far-Side-esque comics, hope you enjoy reading them. That's all I've got for now, another update shall follow later this week! Woo!

New Directions

So I'm taking this blog in a completely new direction. What would that be, you may ask??

ANY DIRECTION I DAMN WELL PLEASE.

Okay, so that's really not a new direction at all. But I started my long, arduous trek earlier today armed with a backpack, a sandwich, and a compass, but after realizing that I have no idea how to use a sandwich, I decided just to stay at home and post a new blog.

Whist sitting at the Peanut Farm last week, Zach handed me his now-shattered clipboard and asked me to draw a comic. My response? A pair of dinosaurs, one eating a dead man, the other rooting through a satchel. Suddenly, the curious dinosaur raiding the man's pack says, "Hold your horses there, Ray. This guy's got a Moose's Tooth coupon and twenty bucks." I was immediately quite smitten with the pair of Tyraptosaurus Rexes I had drawn (I can see Zach's maddened jaw, quivering in anger), one named Ray, the other Otis, and no way to tell the difference between the two, and realized that they could have all sorts of misadventures.

I was then asked to draw another one, after being threatened with bodily harm from Zach, who was, by this time, all hopped up on pancreas meds, and frought with anger from his despondent lack of Mountain Dew. I proceeded to pump out a bar scene of Cecil and Frank (with Miller aiding in the drawing of the latter) , my two favorite standbys, sitting at a bar. Cecil is pouring out his heart and soul to his aardvark companion, describing his sorrows and heartache with utter sincerity, to which Frank interrupts him with "Fuck off, the game's back on."

This brings me to my final point. I love comics. I love drawing them. Am I great at drawing? Not particularly. Am I good? I like to pretend I am. And my two beloved salamanders, their angry disfigured catfish companion, his curious love with a tadpole, and the drunken cockroach beer salesman? I will never forget them.

And so, it is with great pleasure and excitement, that I show you the death of "Of Warts and Other Matters," and introduce in its stead, "Misadventures." The cast? Ray, Otis, Cecil, Frank, Hazel, Bigwig, Fish, Lily, and Carlos.

Not all at the same time, of course. It won't be weekly, but I shall certainly be posting some new content soon. There are definitely snags in my planning, of course. Namely, my lack of a scanner or other such utility. I suppose I could take a picture of each comic with my digital camera, but geez. Are you serious?? Anyway, I'm excited, hopefully you are too. Now if you'll excuse me, I just bought some sweet Mexican beer. Tequiza. Try it out. 9 bucks for a six-pack. Delicious.

Garcia. OUT.

What the FUCK happened?!

Ever watch a movie and then, the instant it's over, find yourself asking, "Just what the fuck was that shit even about?" If you have ever seen Mulholland Drive, and you still say "No, Mr. Garcia, I have never had that happen to me," then that is a fucking lie, and you are a fucking liar.

However, I have procured the actual timeline of events in the film!! And here is exactly what the fuck it is about.

1 - Diane on the set of Adam Kesher's film. While the movie timeline starts with Camilla/Rita's Mulholland Drive sequence, the actual reality timeline starts with Diane's visit to the movie set where Adam is directing a scene with Camilla, her girlfriend (even though it's seen as a flashback). Adam's very hands-on technique of showing Camilla's co-star how to properly perform a screen kiss leads Diane to suspect that the two are having an affair behind her back. Later, when Camilla visits Diane, she tells the other girl "we shouldn't do this anymore." Realizing her suspicions regarding Adam are likely true, she angrily throws Camilla out of her apartment.

2 - Diane at the dinner. The characters there will later be incorporated into the paranoid fantasy of her 'romanticized Hollywood' dream: The director talking about the pool man becomes the director in her dream, also with Diane's idea of the pool man. The fat man watching her as she drinks her coffee becomes the gangster who doesn't like his espresso. Coco, the director's mother, becomes her landlady. The cowboy-hat guy becomes the cowboy-hat Hollywood power figure. The girl who kisses Camilla becomes the "Camilla Rhodes" in the dream part. And of course, Camilla, her ex-lover, becomes the dependent, loving person Diane wants her to be: "Rita".

3 - Diane at Winkie's - After the humiliation at dinner, Diane decides to kill Camilla. At Winkie's, we meet the hitman she hires. He remains the hitman (and becomes a pimp) in her dream, although an amusingly incompetent one. The scary man in the background of this scene becomes the man with scary dreams in the dream-Winkie's scene. Dianes fear (acknowledging the reality of the murder) is projected into her dream as the mans fear, the scary bum's face. We later see the connection, as it is this dream-bum who holds the box. The single stack of dirty money is dreamed as clean, neat multiple stacks. The plain blue key, that opens nothing but represents the murder, becomes futuristic looking, and now represents the 'key' to opening the repressed reality of the murder she is responsible for, hidden in the blue box. The waitress at the diner becomes the prostitute. The waitress's name, Betty, is the name Diane takes in her dream persona.

4 - Diane at home - The first scene of the movie (after the opening dance sequence) is filmed as Diane's head landing on a pillow. We later learn that she already has the blue key, and knows the murder has taken place. At some point after that is the unseen moment when she begins her downward spiral into fantasy, falls asleep, and dreams.

5 - Diane's dream/fantasy - The first 4/5 of the movie- It begins with Camilla/Rita escaping the hit Diane had just, in reality, taken out on her. "From there, Diane, a product of Hollywood, imagines the story in cinematic fashion: She sees herself as the naive wannabe starlet Betty, who succeeds on sheer talent and solves whatever problems are thrown her way. She even gets the girl!...she reimagines her ruined career and failed relationship with the woman she loves." - Salon.com. Her fantasy also punishes the director for getting the girl in the real world; he loses control of the film he's directing, his wife cheats on him with the pool man, and they throw him out of his house.

6 - The box - In the "Silencio" club scene, because of all the "illusion" comments and depictions, such as the singer, Diane realizes she is dreaming and shudders. On the edge of reality/waking, the box appears in her dream as her subconscious could no longer repress her memories of murdering her friend. The box is the symbol of Camilla's death and inside it Dianes guilt, which she kept locked up by her fears (the bum/monster). Once Rita/Camilla unlocks it, the dream-cowboy says "It's time to wake up."

7 - Diane's awakening - As shown on her face when she wakes, Diane is forced to face the fact that it was all a dream, the sadness of her own life, and the guilt brought on by having her ex-girlfriend murdered. Diane's neighbor knocks on her door, which is what actually woke her up, to tell her there have been detectives looking for her, additional confirmation that there has been a murder. From Salon.com- "She starts reflecting on how she came to be in this position, from Camilla's coolness to her flirtations with Adam to the unforgivable humiliations at the party. Diane sees that she's been reduced to an object of pity and contempt by even someone like Coco." In her kitchen, Diane says excitedly "You've come back", to "Camilla" before quickly realizing it was just another hallucination/fantasy. This is when Diane goes into a flashback of: 2 - Diane at dinner, 3 - Diane at Winkie's, leading into:

8 - Diane's breakdown - This hallucination starts with the bum dropping the open blue box (the murder realization), and then comes the crushing guilt, represented by the escaping little old people, whom she is joined by after winning the real-life jitterbug contest, possibly her parents or grandparents. (When we first meet Betty, she is saying good-bye to this couple, in effect, saying good-bye to the guilt that they represent. This is why Betty was so happy in the beginning, when Diane's dream was in full effect, and her guilt was gone and forgotten, being driven away in a limo. Away from Betty's observation, the pair exchange creepy, sinister looks.) As her guilt and reality overwhelm her, in the hallucinatory breakdown of the old couple attacking, she shoots herself in the mouth.

So there you go. Hope I wasted a good five minutes of your time. Oh, and I totally made a new post in my blog! Right here!! Wooooooooooo!!

Hahaha, Garcia. Out.

Our Favorite Orange-Furred Marsupial

Well, my semi-loyal fans, it's been a very, very, very long time since I've posted any new content, and my good pal Zach reminded me that I don't need a comic to post a blog, although it does help a lot. He then called me a moron and proceeded to force upon me Godzilla Raids Again, one of the worst films I've ever seen. I mean, seriously, rockets, bombs, missiles, and powerful artillery cannons aren't doing shit to this big lizard fucker, why the hell would you pull a revolver and hang out in some trees like Lee Harvey fucking Oswald?! It's bullshit!

Anyway, I've decided to tantalize you with the tasty workings of Naughty Dog and Universal. One of the most successful Playstation franchises ever to hit the market, Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back, is the best in the fucking series. Crash 1 was really fucking hard--I'm talking aneurysm hard--and Crash 3 was crammed with all kinds of extra shit that just seemed to be a little too much. Crash 2, however, was just right. Interesting challenges, user-friendly control scheme, and the gameplay is just downright hilarious. You can die in eighty different ways, whether its being turned into a pancake and waddling around with stars in your eyes, or being shot in the stomach by shrapnel and grabbing yourself in Shakespearean dramatacism.

Here's how the game works. You're Crash Bandicoot, a dull-whitted silent oaf of a hero who always manages to save the day. You have a spin attack, a belly flop, a slid kick, and a high jump, all of which can be used to kill a wide variety of enemies, from robotic octopi to sexually-frustrated frilled lizards. You have to find a large pink crystal in every level, and when you have completed five levels, you fight a boss before moving on to the next set of levels. The music is set to each level perfectly, whether its the jungle beats in the jungle level to the surfer guitar in the river levels, during which you must navigate through the river on a rocket-propelled surfboard. Which reminds me of the fantastic vehicles you get during the game, which include aforementioned surfboard, a rocketpack, and a baby polar bear.

The bosses themselves are challenging in their own way, from Ripper Roo, a crazed blue wallaby who bounces around a platform leaving TNT boxes everywhere he lands, to Tiny the Tiger, a gargantuan brute who tries to squash you by jumping on you. Which normally doesn't sound so difficult, but when your standing on one of nine falling platforms suspended high above a pitch-black cavern, it can be a little tricky. The storyline is plenty predictable, but entertaining nonetheless. And the alternate ending you get if you complete 100% of the game is well worth the challenge.

And oh goody, the gems! The gems are a completely different challenge altogether! Throughout every level are crates, which you can jump on, spin, or belly-flop to destroy. Some of them, such as Nitro and TNT boxes, should be approached with caution, or not at all. Jumping on TNT boxes will start a 3 second fuse that ends in their fantastical detonation, while touching a Nitro box period will incinerate you in an entertaining manner. However, should you make it through the level after destroying every box, you will receive a jem. Some boxes can only be destroyed with the aid of other elements in the level, and some are well hidden down secret paths. It's definitely something else, however, to make it through the level and come out with 2 gems and a crystal. My chest just swells with pride, and I get such a grand feeling of accomplishment...right before I remember it's a fucking video game.

Moral of the story? Buy the damn game. It's worth the 10 bucks. Well worth it.