Introducing...A Catfish

Here you go. Here’s some comic action for your palette. Take it home. Chew on it for awhile. It’s delicious. While I’m quite certain that not all creatures of the animal kingdom have refused to take a name upon themselves, I like the idea of a mutant-looking, short-tempered catfish hanging around drinking beer with salamanders.

Well, now that that’s out of the way, it’s time for us to move on to other matters. We need to have a serious discussion. And I’m pretty sure that you already know what about. In California, there is a town called “Shitsville, USA,” although it is known to most everyone else as “Hollywood.” Back in the day, Shitsville was known for dishing out some of the tastiest films ever made, including such grand flicks as Harvey, Lawrence of Arabia, and Leonard Part Six. These days, however?

We get Material Girls and The Same Fucking Horror Movie You’ve Already Seen In Eight Different Trilogies Part Two.

Let’s face it. America likes to see the same bullshit over and over again. We love it. We can’t get enough. Shovel Chuck Norris down our throats. And then do it again in twenty different movies. How old is he? 52? Fuckin’ perfect. Pump out a sequel to The Bodyguard, stat! We haven’t made a Die Hard movie in ten years? Who the fuck is on this shit?!? Get Carl up here immediately!! Clean out your fucking desk, Carl! You don’t work here anymore!! What?! People might not like the title Die Hard 4.0? Let’s call it…Live Free or Die Hard. We’ll fool the whole world!!

And where the fuck is Jurassic Park 4?! (You think I’m kidding. But I’m not)

Hold up, hold up, HOLD THE GO**AMN PHONE. Warner Brothers are producing a movie about the Battle of Thermopylae? It looks good?! Are we allowed to fire Warner Brothers?

Thanks a bunch, Shitsville. Hope the next fifty years are as profitable as the last. Fuck this. I say we go to the Serengeti. By this time tomorrow we could be doing body shots off hyenas in some Mogadishu hellhole!!